May First Attitude

May first of last year, I made my hardest phone call to date. What aggrevated my anxiety of doing so was not, not knowing what to say but the fact that I would get to hear his voice on the other line. The very voice who sent me to go in a free fall of which I ended up crashing. At that time I was not yet picking up what was left behind. I was still letting myself digest the reality that when people come in our lives, they too can leave even if we wanted them to stay. So basically, i was still a wreck and goes on self-destructing mode every half hour of the day. For short, pathetic haha!

Grief was somewhat placed on hold so that i can manage to press call on his name in my phonebook and come up with something to say. The first pause of the first ring was when my heart seemed to stopped for the longest time. It felt like an interval of a lifetime and at some point i thought of just dropping the call. Ironic as it may sound but it was my hesitation who pushed me to get it over and done with. A few headshakes to get rid of chickening out and i was back in my momentum.

Step 1 say hi. Step 2 greet. Step 3 talk about drinking. Step 4 say i gotta go just wanted to say steps 1, 2 and 3. End of converstaion.

The quicker the talk, the smallest possibility of him noticing that i rehearsed it a thousand times.

I really dont have a vivid memory of that moment when we were actually talking or i should say trying to talk. Its not surprising that the awkwardness (a lot of awkwardness) was still there. But i was glad that we were civil enough to set aside the breakup part even for a while to give us that chance to have the happy birthday-thank you exchange. When i pressed end and gave a deep sigh, it was back to the painstaking need to move on.

And i did.

The year has just started and I must say it is totally different. Different good. So far so good, theres no immediate threat to my sanity that would make me want to go back to the monastary again for a self-retreat. Im happy and its not the alcohol induced kind high feeling. I really am naturally and soberly happy in alot of ways be it for myself or for the people around me. I know before saying that im happy i did made a sad point of comparison and it was definetly last year's series of unfortunate events. Cant say i have gone through a lot but i know i have gone through some to make me aware not to close my eyes so i can always see the silver lining of things.

Somehow things are falling into place or maybe im just getting a few good karmas to make up for last years bloopers. Whatever this leads to, for better or even for worse, im saying im happy because at this very moment when i look back i no longer feel that stabbing pain of the past, but rather an unexplainable bliss of a fresh start.

now i know why we are running!

posted Tuesday, 1 May 2007 and so therefore... (2)

lush made this comment,

hi mare... its been a while. it's nice to know that you're doing good... musta summer? i miss u...

comment added :: 3rd May 2007, 06:54 GMT+08

wideyeshut made this comment,

susme, nabanhaw man kagi ka? gi-block ang livejournal sa China oi. I read your comment on my blog thru my email. Mabuang ko dhay sa Great FireWall of China. Lami kaayo bombahan oi. Naa kay friendster? Add me there: wideyeshut@gmail.com Naa sa friendster akong updated blog about my sex life. Bwhahahahaha... Wide http://alainsojourner.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog /

comment added :: 8th May 2007, 17:32 GMT+08 :: http://alainsojourner.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog