Yosi Break

Categorically, I have always coped untherapeutically.

Eubert has formulated that my term for the 5 stages of grief (DABDA), is not Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance but a chronological order of Drink Alcohol Beer Drink Alcohol. A succession of intoxication to fill in the void. To cover up whats missing or whats wrong. In short, my quick fix.

I have come to realize the possibility that people dont pick up a vice. Its absurd but I would like to believe that some people are born to have vices. Like its what they're suppose to do. Its not a status symbol nor a perplex stage of youth. It is likely just the way some people are. Smokers. Drinkers.

For about 2 years now, I have quit smoking. Well, there were times I relapsed but if you sum up all the sticks i puffed during my relapse, it probably wouldnt even reach the amount of cigarette sticks i consume in a day. 

I was soo stressed out, it happens.

I dont blame myself, self-control isnt really one of my virtues. I dont blame no one either. Come to think of it, I think its waaay better to concentrate all that frustration in a stick of Marlboro, blew it all away in the air, than actually act on it. No therapies, no need to rationalize, no compromises, no drama. Just a few minutes of conscious breathing, a kick of nicotine and smog to let out.

Im not making sense.

I just need a light.