Halo Halo Special

He's the whole mix, I'm the ice cream on top...

You Owe It to Sunday to Think, and Hard At That

For a couple of days now I have been hiding in my apartment for reasons that were unclear until last night when I finally had the courage to cry.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of a lot of things right now, or i should say of the things yet to unfold. I know I shouldnt worry, much more dwell myself into it. But apparently I know myself better now. I know that deep down I really do care about whats out there. I care about the people around me and I care about me. I care now, and it's not really much of a surprise that I thought it would be.

Taking into account that I'm leaving adds up to the anxiety. It's not difficult nor hard, but it is unbearable. It is too much sometimes that it hurts to see the people I will be away from.

I'm not sure how it feels like being an adult, but as i am writing this, as I am trying my best to come up with the words to describe my thoughts and feelings, It sure feels like one. I'm actually crossing my fingers I make sense out of this.

A few days ago, someone told me I'm a failure. What made it worse was that, that someone used to be someone I looked up to. Someone who not so long ago made me felt that I can NEVER be a failure.What she said broke me into pieces because she helped me glue myself back together when I was at my weakest. I guess some people just change and what they were before were consumed by the tide of power and position.

I'm not sure if she meant what she said or it was a result of my being overbearing at times. But ironically, thanks to it, I was able to re-examine myself. I was able to recognize that I'm not yet that strong against anything that would and can break me, but I am stronger now to put myself back together.

Prick me, I'll bleed, but ill lick my woulds and go on...

It sounds condescending, but I really am better. I might not have been able to join my college graduation ceremony, I might not be the most responsible at things, or I might have messed up a couple of times but apparently, I will always have people who sees me beyond the things I cannot do. They keep me going, they keep me living. They are constantly reminding me of the better person that I am now and always will be.

I just feel bad that there are a few people who seems to be satisfied by screwing other peoples mind. I'm young, I have a lot of things in mind; parents to please, career to do and dreams to fulfill. I would really appreciate a break from distractions as I figure things out. Is it really to much to ask? Or is it just that the optimism that the people around me has inflicted argued better; That I need some sort of distraction to keep me focus.

I have been told that we always know what to do, we're not just doing it. Probably because of self-preservation, of pride, fear and most of the time laziness. Whatever it is, I think it is better to let it go. They're not really the things we should hold on to.

Life does not create the moments of our lives, it is us who create them. And so I would like to create mine now as I wrote this. I want to create a moment where in I felt unstoppable. Where my intentions are clear and are for the better good. Where my mindset is optimistic and at peace. Where I feel the overwhelming love of and concern of my family and friends. Because just in case I incidentally turn myself into a hermit in my own apartment, I know better what moment to relive to get me back on track.

I should really start writing 'bout the World Youth Day hehehe.

In Down Under

I saw the kick ass superb architecture of the opera house, passed by the Harbour bridge, cuddled a kuala bear (or i should say marsupial) and fed a kangaroo, but i still cant believe im in Australia right now. Let me repeat that.. I still cant believe im in Australia right now.

Everything has been pretty overwhelming and i can only be grateful to everyone who made this experience possible. Mister God truelly has His ways. Last Thursday, I got my Australian Visa, the next day after that, Friday, my mom booked me a ticket and Monday i was off to Manila for my flight to Sydney with a pit stop in Brisbane. If that wasnt fast i dont know why the idea of being here is still sinking in.

When I got the approval letter as volunteer around the first day of June, everything somehow escalated from there. There were a couple of setbacks but at the end of the day, at the end of every day that im in Australia, the thing that sticks in my head is im here for what i should be here for and its a Good Day Mate!

I already got my volunteer ID and uniforms yesterday with my cousin Jen who is very very helpful. Aldrin will be flying from melbourne tomorrow and I'll be picking him up at the airport with his cousin. We're both thankful that he got a volunteer role the same as mine's even if it was on short notice. Nonetheless, Im happy having this experience and having loads of people who are a part of it from day one that i thought of joining the World Youth Day.

Gail, you are our angel..

Good Day Mate!

Finally A Destination

WYD08 Registration ID: EV148

Dear Athens:

World Youth Day 2008 is pleased to welcome you to our volunteer team! We are eager to involve you in WYD08 and hope your volunteer experience is both a positive and joy-filled one as Sydney welcomes thousands of young people from around the world July 14-20, 2008.

We would like to offer you the role of:

Crowd Marshall Assistant:

Greeting pilgrims on arrival at major World Youth Day venues, providing directional assistance to pilgrims, checking accreditation at relevant check points and representing Sydney at one of the largest events to come to this city.

Goin Down Under on the 7th.....

3 Questions, 0 Answer

Where are you going?

When are you leaving?

When will you be back?

Out of the 3 most popular questions I'm literally facing right now, the 3rd one has the least weight dragging my heart. Although, "least" it still hurts nonetheless. It hurts because I have been quite familiar with the feeling of being the one left behind, and sad to say this time around, i get to be the one boarding on a plane with only God knows when ill be back.

The having-to-go-somewhere-else (i prefer the term better than the other "L" word) has always been there. I know that for a fact and everyone close to me is aware of it. But as the day comes near and things are getting out of my control, there are moments when I wish I can just stay grounded. Sometimes, i wish that I don't have to "GO". That I don't have to prove anything to anyone or myself for that matter. That I don't have to do this or that. That i don't have that unexplainable fear of missing out on things and people who means so much to me. That i don't get to worry about not being there when i have to be there. That i don't have to hear them cry and most myself cry because of the impending distance.

But then I have to. No matter how much it pains me, no matter how the way it hurts, and no matter how hard I try not to make it obvious that it is slowly killing me, i have to...

I have to throw myself out there...

I dunno...

Soon...

In a few years time i guess...

Bunso's Shadow at the Park...

Andito ka pa sa December te?

Patience or My Lack of

Self-control is a virtue.

Of the recent events that happened to me (nothing too fancy really but not uneventful nonetheless), I've come to terms with my patience, on how it would surprisingly go beyond it's usual limit (it never occurred to me i had a " patience threshold", until just recently as i am typing this) and on how it would automatically cease to exist.

When I find myself patient-ER, i dunno if my patience had some sort of extension, like a definition upgrade or, I just got fed up with dealing with arguments (the usual aftermath if I cant keep it all together) that I just let the situation be. I'm so much of a lazy person that i even slack on my patience, so yeah there's truth with the later. But i would also like to believe that somehow, in a way or two, i have eventually outgrown a portion of my temper tantrums. It's still there, but moderate i should say (this is so a misnomer like you know the moderate greed crap). So, i guess, like the law, my patience too have some sort of exceptions. The classical "it-depends" excuse.

It depends upon the situation. It depends who is involved. It depends on whats the catch.. It depends... It depends... Eat the freaking fence! I seem to have all these parameters that totally defeats the essence of patience. Which in return makes me realize if the above mentioned "when i found myself patient-ER" has the same contradiction when i say im a graduate but i never really did graduate. (i firmly believe what's important is not the graduation but what happens after that, the drinking! hahahaha)

I always get it from people that i talk and think beyond my age and the more I get that line, the more i tend to analyze if am i really beyond my maturity level (whatever it maybe) or they're kinda slacked on their's which makes me figuratively more mature???

Their lack of something, is abundant to me. In context, i am patient enough relative to some people because I happen to be that kind of person who doesn't give a shit unless it is substantial in my definition.

When a friend told me that I have an enormous amount of patience (that coming from a parent), it made me thought on obvious reasons on why im very very impatient.

1. I cant stand queuing on line when theres more than 2 persons in front.
2. I cant stand idling on traffic for more than 2 minutes.
3. I cant stand having to wait ice for my beer.
4. I cant stand it when it takes forever for people to take their shot. (shot na para igat!)
5. I cant stand dial up.

I wasn't trying to contradict her observations nor my patience for that matter. I mean, i felt a lil proud hearing such a thing because i've always thought that (most) parents are like the patience icon. But I cant help it but prove a point to myself that maybe i really do have patience, i just happen to have a very selective one.

So to rest my case and feel good that finally I updated my blog, I think patience starts when you lose it and gained it back after two deep breaths. When you just went self-destructing mode, temper as huge as a mushroom cloud for 5 seconds but back to composure on the 6th.You kept it cool after two curses or so (uttered or thought), gained a needed short term memory loss and gave out a free hug all because some people are worth losing your patience to.

im living errrr bumming around...

The Real Score

Outgrowing something I think happens naturally. No coercion, no strings attached, no pressure or trying hard to keep up with what is expected. Simply, self willed. I think that there are certain points in my life that I just simply let go of things for nothing more or less of letting go's sake. That I give up or give in to something because its about time that I become steadfast about change.

There are also things that I don't have to let go or give up. Things that as the cliche would go, would just die a natural death. It takes time, patience, an epiphany even, but it would just eventually leave me and its absence wont even be missed. But there are also certain things that I hold on to. Things that I chose not to outgrown not because I cling to the hope that keeping 'em would also mean keeping the child in me, but simply, these are the things that I should not let myself lose. I cant just let these things slip away because I might end up losing a part of me that had been the very definition of who I am, as others see me as and most as what I have always seen in myself.

Or at least, what I have always believed, I am.

But there is confusion in change....

Confusion of the real score if the said transition proved me wrong about myself or I was, or i should say, I am right all along. I start to wonder if I'm fading away into the idea that I have become my own worse nightmare or am I holding back in being the best possible person that I can be?

Eubert asked me, whats out there after college? I can only say, we're about to find out. I said so in the hope that I can convince myself to look forward to it. To somehow grasp the idea that it has been four years (in case i lost track of the days again) and its time to move on. Because for the past weeks, as everyone was getting into the graduation hype, I got myself in a roller coaster ride of recollections and it brought me to ask myself if I'm ready to put myself out there?

Am i really ready to put myself out there knowing that for the past four years it was a struggle to keep myself all together?

I thought this is about the what ifs, but I was wrong. This is no longer about my frustrations, the change of plans and even my desperate attempts to satisfy my ego. This is about the "what is" that I cant fill in for myself further other than a blank.

"I" sounded better than "We"...