You Owe It to Sunday to Think, and Hard At That

For a couple of days now I have been hiding in my apartment for reasons that were unclear until last night when I finally had the courage to cry.

I'm scared...

I'm scared of a lot of things right now, or i should say of the things yet to unfold. I know I shouldnt worry, much more dwell myself into it. But apparently I know myself better now. I know that deep down I really do care about whats out there. I care about the people around me and I care about me. I care now, and it's not really much of a surprise that I thought it would be.

Taking into account that I'm leaving adds up to the anxiety. It's not difficult nor hard, but it is unbearable. It is too much sometimes that it hurts to see the people I will be away from.

I'm not sure how it feels like being an adult, but as i am writing this, as I am trying my best to come up with the words to describe my thoughts and feelings, It sure feels like one. I'm actually crossing my fingers I make sense out of this.

A few days ago, someone told me I'm a failure. What made it worse was that, that someone used to be someone I looked up to. Someone who not so long ago made me felt that I can NEVER be a failure.What she said broke me into pieces because she helped me glue myself back together when I was at my weakest. I guess some people just change and what they were before were consumed by the tide of power and position.

I'm not sure if she meant what she said or it was a result of my being overbearing at times. But ironically, thanks to it, I was able to re-examine myself. I was able to recognize that I'm not yet that strong against anything that would and can break me, but I am stronger now to put myself back together.

Prick me, I'll bleed, but ill lick my woulds and go on...

It sounds condescending, but I really am better. I might not have been able to join my college graduation ceremony, I might not be the most responsible at things, or I might have messed up a couple of times but apparently, I will always have people who sees me beyond the things I cannot do. They keep me going, they keep me living. They are constantly reminding me of the better person that I am now and always will be.

I just feel bad that there are a few people who seems to be satisfied by screwing other peoples mind. I'm young, I have a lot of things in mind; parents to please, career to do and dreams to fulfill. I would really appreciate a break from distractions as I figure things out. Is it really to much to ask? Or is it just that the optimism that the people around me has inflicted argued better; That I need some sort of distraction to keep me focus.

I have been told that we always know what to do, we're not just doing it. Probably because of self-preservation, of pride, fear and most of the time laziness. Whatever it is, I think it is better to let it go. They're not really the things we should hold on to.

Life does not create the moments of our lives, it is us who create them. And so I would like to create mine now as I wrote this. I want to create a moment where in I felt unstoppable. Where my intentions are clear and are for the better good. Where my mindset is optimistic and at peace. Where I feel the overwhelming love of and concern of my family and friends. Because just in case I incidentally turn myself into a hermit in my own apartment, I know better what moment to relive to get me back on track.

I should really start writing 'bout the World Youth Day hehehe.