When Eubert held my hand after our talk, i felt how scared he was. I just wish that he felt how scared I was for him too. I dont know if to be a good friend you tolerate their shit or you keep them from doing it. Gail told me that you cant help it if your friends do stupid things. That your only responsibility is to make them see their mistake and be honest about it. Its tiring to be the mediator between my friends' capacities to be assholes and their inner goodness. I dont want to be their excuse for them not to take risks. After all, its their call, its their lesson to learn. Ill just be present in the booze session after another wala-diri wala-didto decision is realized.
After recollecting the things ive said to him, It came into me that like him im being torn apart too. Im caught in between the need to have some change of perspective and the want to just take things as slowly (aka procrastination) as possible. The usual problem with me is my very non excisting knack for long term goals. I dont know if its just my defense mechanism to aging or im just one of those people who can never sit still with the thought of the "future" in mind. Somehow, it scares me. The future is still something im apprehensive to imagine worse of all plan about. Im scared that over thinking might ruin what is and what is not instore for me and it might lead to me refusing to grow up and to nevermind those other phenomenas that i shouldnt let pass.
Maybe i have a regression on being young. I miss those days when planning was scary but at the same time a good thing. Now, its just seems too flabbergasting to handle. I hate to admit it, but it took someone to get my senses right. Im scared, damaged and worse somehow along the way I forgot how it was to have something to look forward with atleast a year due date. My come-what-may attitude have if not doubled, tripled. Another square root to it and definetly a disaster is about to happen.
I tried to be in retrospect of what was the most important thing I learned from being legal so I can apply it to the remaining year of my teenhood, and I remembered what my tito said that one eventful night, know your periphery. At first it was too vague to dwell on, but later did I found out that it didnt mean setting my limits but going beyond the safety zone i have always gotten used to. Knowing your periphery is for safety. But going beyond your boundaries is strength, i once told Ron and i cant believe im telling it to myself (again).
I think i should stop being worried of being scared. After all, no one has an excuse not to.
Suprise Fettuccine de T2
Taking that first step out of our boundaries is difficult at first, but it gets easier. Trust me. |
 ah the future. --> can't comment much. still suffering in the present eh. belated tenz. :) |
jeff: yeah.. if only it was an easy as walking on the treadmill.. thanks jeff ed: salamat ed. hay.. we can only hope that we can move on with our lives.. happy bday pud diha |
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