The Real Score

Outgrowing something I think happens naturally. No coercion, no strings attached, no pressure or trying hard to keep up with what is expected. Simply, self willed. I think that there are certain points in my life that I just simply let go of things for nothing more or less of letting go's sake. That I give up or give in to something because its about time that I become steadfast about change.

There are also things that I don't have to let go or give up. Things that as the cliche would go, would just die a natural death. It takes time, patience, an epiphany even, but it would just eventually leave me and its absence wont even be missed. But there are also certain things that I hold on to. Things that I chose not to outgrown not because I cling to the hope that keeping 'em would also mean keeping the child in me, but simply, these are the things that I should not let myself lose. I cant just let these things slip away because I might end up losing a part of me that had been the very definition of who I am, as others see me as and most as what I have always seen in myself.

Or at least, what I have always believed, I am.

But there is confusion in change....

Confusion of the real score if the said transition proved me wrong about myself or I was, or i should say, I am right all along. I start to wonder if I'm fading away into the idea that I have become my own worse nightmare or am I holding back in being the best possible person that I can be?

Eubert asked me, whats out there after college? I can only say, we're about to find out. I said so in the hope that I can convince myself to look forward to it. To somehow grasp the idea that it has been four years (in case i lost track of the days again) and its time to move on. Because for the past weeks, as everyone was getting into the graduation hype, I got myself in a roller coaster ride of recollections and it brought me to ask myself if I'm ready to put myself out there?

Am i really ready to put myself out there knowing that for the past four years it was a struggle to keep myself all together?

I thought this is about the what ifs, but I was wrong. This is no longer about my frustrations, the change of plans and even my desperate attempts to satisfy my ego. This is about the "what is" that I cant fill in for myself further other than a blank.

"I" sounded better than "We"...