I'm still having second thoughts about transferring to another room. Somehow, I have this being obsessive compulsive about the organized chaos in my little abode and I have no idea what to do with the glow in the dark stars in my wall. Carlo went back to New York more than a week ago and I had the deliberating task to clean up what was left of the Red Room. Though he has the biggest room in the apartment it wasnt that hard to throw out the mess. I got rid of empty beer and rum bottles (lots of them by the way), stacks of photocopies, some useless pirated dvd covers and a couple of porn stash.
Before we headed off to the airport he told me to keep what i thought was worth keeping. So while he's back in the Big Apple trying to figure out what he wants to do with his life, i get to stay and sort out more than 2+ years of things he would surely love looking back to one day.
2+ years....
Hay...
With him leaving, i realized that i cannot imagine or come up with the slightest idea what my life could have been if we werent living in the same apartment for more than 2+ years. All the things that we had to go through together (and even separately) flashed backed at me and as much as i wanted to control myself I just couldn't. Caloy, my housemate, my cousin, my brother, my drinking buddy, my go to guy, my friend was leaving indefinitely.
My emotions escalated way beyond proportions and I think my breakdown (calling my mom at 4am in the morning crying my hearts out) was for one point, I felt that everyone was leaving me...
There have been a couple of goodbyes that i had to deal lately and each of them were no different from the other. In my current setup i should be getting used to it. (Parents and Bro in NY, Lil Sis an hour away, Aldrin in OZ, great friends scattered all over, an invisible best friend) But no. Every time somebody has to go off i still feel sad, i would still go emo, i would still go out and grab a drink to have the courage to bid farewell.
I still, no matter how many times i have to go through it, could not get use to goodbyes...
Gail told me that maybe its time for me to literally stand up on my own. That its not like people are actually leaving me but they just have to go somewhere else for reasons that will make a lot of sense in due time. I know for sure it will. Its just that i can still feel the direct impact of a separation anxiety and I cannot fully become rational as of the moment. I needed assurance that everything will be ok, i needed to know that im not driving them away, that im not alone, that the one's i love are not leaving me, they just have to be away for now.
The red room in my definition is "clean". I just need to clear up the closet free of a few clothes that Carlo left behind and its all ready. Ive placed some of his important stuffs that he failed to bring along (due to limited packing time) in one box and stored it under the bed. As for my emotions, i can only wish I can do the same. I hate having "this" when im constantly reminded that im filled with love no matter what proximity it originated. I need to get over thinking about the feeling of people leaving because sooner or later I have to deal with being the one leaving...
